The Life For Us
by TV Tony
Summary: Will Oliver and Lisa sell their beloved Green Acres to a couple who are definitely creepy and kooky?


The Life For Us

Oliver Wendell Douglas stood and watched the sun as it set behind his cornfield. He loved this time of day, when the heat of the afternoon gave way to the cool of the evening. He took a deep breath through his nostrils, and slowly exhaled. The smells of the farm, the fresh-turned earth, the livestock, the warm, metallic scent of his just shutdown tractor, were all very dear to him. He reached out to examine a leaf of one of his cornstalks. Smiling pityingly at it, he noted how small and shriveled it was, just like most of the other stalks.

"Oh,well," he said with a shrug. With that, he turned and headed for the house.

He crossed the porch to the front door, and put his hand on the knob. As he turned it, the knob came off in his hand, for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"Oh for the love of..." he said disgustedly.

He set the knob down next to the front door, to be repaired later. He then turned and walked toward the back door.

Stepping through the back door, he called, "Lisa?" Looking around the kitchen, he did not see his wife.

"She must be in the bedroom," he said to himself, and headed in that direction.

As Oliver came through the bedroom door, he found Lisa sitting on the front edge of the bed, watching television. The program was apparently a documentary about New York City. As images of the city appeared on the screen, the narrator intoned, "The best restaurants, the best shopping, the best entertainment. New York has it all!" Oliver watched Lisa's shoulders sag a bit, and heard her sigh.

"She misses New York," he thought. And, not for the first time, he thought, "Maybe it's just not fair to ask her to live here."

As if somehow sensing her husband standing there, Lisa turned and faced him.

"Oh, hello dere," she said, in her thick Hungarian accent.

"Hello, darling," Oliver said, smiling.

"Are you finished working for today?" she asked.

"Yes," he nodded.

"Good," she responded. "I'll go and fix your dinner."

"As she got off the bed and headed for the kitchen, he asked, "What are we having?"

"Hots cakes!" she said, enthusiastcally.

"Oh," said Oliver, with a forced smile. Kate Bradley had taught Lisa how to make hotcakes shortly after they had move to Hooterville. It was still the only dish she could manage.

"Well,sort of manage," Oliver thought.

Putting a gentle hand on her arm before she could walk past him, he said, "Say, I'll tell you what. Since Eb is away on vacation, and it's just the two of us, let's have dinner at the Pixley Diner.

Sounding upset, she exclaimed, "Oh, Oliver, you don't like my hotscakes any more!"

"Oh, no," he assured her. "That's not the reason. I mean yes, yes, I still love your hotcakes, it's just that I thought you might enjoy a night out."

"Oh," she said, mollified. "All right, then, I'll get dressed."

"Good," he said, and gave her a quick kiss.

As she walked over to the closet, Oliver turned his attention back to the television, just in time for the end of the program. Over a montage of scenes, including the Statue of Liberty and the lights of Broadway, the announcer said, "New York City. It's the life for you!"

With that, Oliver turned to look at Lisa, as she was selecting a dress form the closet.

"Maybe it is," he thought.

The next morning,Oliver drove to Drucker's general store, to pick up their mail. Walking through the front door, he found Sam Drucker using a feather duster on a shelf filled with canned goods.

"Good morning, Mr. Drucker," he said.

"Mornin', ," responded Sam, "Say, there was some folks in yesterday evenin' lookin' for you."

"Oh?" asked Oliver.

"Yeah," said Sam, "a fella and his wife. Name of Addams."

"Addams..." repeated Oliver. "I don't know anyone by that name."

"Well, to tell the truth, they looked and acted kinda strange," said Sam.

"Hmm..." said Oliver, "I wonder what they wanted?"

"Well, this fella said they were out at your place last night, and there was nobody home," said Sam.

"That's right," said Oliver. "Eb is on vacation, and Lisa and I went out for the evening."

"Well, anyway," said Sam, "he said they looked the place over and just loved what they saw. He said he wanted to buy it, and money was no object."

"He wanted to buy my farm?" asked Oliver, incredulously.

"Yeah, like I say, I thought they were kind of strange," said Sam.

"Now, just a minute..." Oliver began.

"Oh, I didn't mean no offense, Mr. Douglas. Anyway, if I saw you, he asked me to tell you he'd be back out sometime this mornin' to make you an offer," said Sam.

"Huh, how about that?" said Oliver.

"You're not thinkin' about sellin', are you Mr. Douglas?" Sam asked.

"No," said Oliver, shaking his head. Then he added, "Well, I don't think so."

"We'd sure miss you folks around here, if you did sell," said Sam.

"Well, I just can't imagine selling," smiled Oliver. Then he added, with a shrug, "On the other hand, I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to the man. So, he said he'd be back out this morning?"

"That's right," replied Sam.

"Well, then I'd probably better get back," said Oliver. "Can I get my mail?"

"Sure thing," said Sam. He put down his duster and headed toward the post office section of the store.

After putting on his Postmaster's cap, he started sorting through envelopes behind the counter. Oliver watched him, but his thoughts were elsewhere.

"Hmm..." he said quietly, as he stroked his chin.

Oliver returned home to find Mr. Haney's truck parked in front of the house. Mr. Haney, leaning against the side of the truck, waved as Oliver drove up.

"Mornin', Mr. Douglas," said Haney, jovially.

Oliver got out of his car and nodded. "Mr. Haney," he said, noncommittally.

"Beautiful mornin' ain't it?" asked Haney, looking around.

"Yes, it is" replied Oliver. "What can I do for you today?"

"Well, it's what I can do for you, Mr. Douglas," said Haney, smiling.

"I'm really not interested in buying anything..." Oliver began.

"Well, it's me that wants to do the buyin' this time," said Haney.

"Oh?" asked Oliver.

"Yes, sir," Haney nodded. "The farm. I want to buy it back from you."

"You want to buy the farm back?" Oliver asked, incredulously.

"Yes, sir," Haney replied with a nod. "Lock, stock and barrel."

"Well, why would you suddenly want to do that?" asked Oliver, sounding perplexed.

Haney stared at his feet, and said, "Well, my conscience has been botherin' me lately." Looking up at Oliver, he continued, "And so, I want to do the right thing by you."

"I see," said Oliver, not really trying to hide his skepticism.

"Yeah, the shape this place was in, all the work needed done to it, I feel plumb guilty about unloadin' it on you," said Haney.

"And now, you want to buy it back?" asked Oliver.

"Yes sir, I'm willin' to pay you exactly what you paid me three years ago. Minus transfer expenses, of course," said Haney.

"Transfer expenses?" asked Oliver, with raised eyebrows.

"Well, just a small fee to cover me movin' back here, along with makin' this my business headquarters again," explained Haney, "Say, fifty per cent?"

"So, you want to pay me half what I paid you, is that right?" asked Oliver.

"Well, I think that's a fair deal," replied Haney.

"Mr. Haney," Oliver said, "you didn't happen to be at Mr. Drucker's yesterday evening when a man was inquiring about my farm, were you?"

"Drucker's?" asked Haney. "No, I don't think so. I didn't meet any Mr. Addams."

Oliver's smile was not friendly as he said, "I didn't mention his name."

At this, Haney grimaced and looked down, his two clenched fists jerking downward in frustration.

"You were hoping to buy back the farm from me, and then sell it for a substantial profit, weren't you?"

Oliver accused.

"Well, now," Haney began, placatingly.

"Mr. Haney, I think you'd better go," said Oliver, his anger rising.

"Mr. Douglas, I was just tryin' to look out for you," Haney offered.

"Well, you'd better look out for me!" Oliver shouted, "Get out!'

"All right, all right," said Haney, reluctantly. He quickly walked over to his truck. Getting in, he started it and drove off, as Oliver stood there, glaring at him.

Lisa came out of the house to stand next to her husband. "Oliver," she said, "I heard you shouting. Vas that Mr. Haney?"

"Yes," replied Oliver, disgustedly.

"Did he try to sell you something?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, as he turned to her, "a bill of goods!"

At that, their attention was drawn to the sound of a car horn. They turned to look at a vehicle approaching from the road.

It was a 1940's-era black sedan, which pulled up in front of the house. The driver opened his door and stepped out, a mustachioed man wearing a brown, pinstriped business suit.

"Good morning!" he exclaimed.

"Good morning," returned Oliver, noting that the man's wide eyes and eager smile made him look somewhat maniacal.

The visitor briskly stepped around to the other side of the car and opened the front passenger door.

"Here you are, my darling," he said, as he helped a woman from the front seat. She had long, straight, raven-black hair, and wore a long, black, tight-fitting dress, whose hem touched the ground and extended out in a tentacles-like shape. Her face was pale, compared to the man's darker countenance.

"Thank you my dear," she said. She produced a black parasol, which she opened and held above her head. She extended her other arm through the man's proffered one, and together they walked over to the Douglases.

"Oliver Wendell Douglas?" asked the man.

"Yes," replied Oliver, somewhat hesitantly.

"Gomez Addams," smiled the man, extending his hand.

"Pleased to meet you," said Oliver, returning Gomez's enthusiastic shake.

"My lovely bride, Morticia," said Gomez, indicating his wife.

"Charmed," Morticia nodded.

"How do you do?" asked Oliver. "And, this is my wife, Lisa."

"Hello dere," said Lisa.

"Well, what can I do for you folks?" asked Oliver.

"Douglas, I'll get right to the point," responded Gomez. "Yesterday, we came by, and no one seemed to be home. So, we walked around, looked the place over, and just fell in love with it. I'd like to buy it from you."

"Well, Mr, Addams, I really wasn't looking to sell..." Oliver began.

"Money is no object!" exclaimed Gomez. "Name your price."

"But, you see..." said Oliver.

"Oliver," said Lisa, "Vhy don't I show Mrs. Addams the inside of the house?You and Mr. Addams can have a look at the crops."

"Capital idea!" exclaimed Gomez. "Tish, if the inside looks half as good as the outside, I'm sure you'll love it."

"Thank you, Mrs. Douglas," said Morticia. "I would like to see the inside." Turning to Gomez, she said, "I'll be back shortly, mon cher."

"Gomez's eyes widened, and he exclaimed, "Tish, that's French!" Suddenly,he took his wife's hand and began kissing her repeatedly, first, the back of her hand, then, her wrist, then he began making his way up her arm. Oliver and Lisa stared at them incredulously.

"Gomez...," Morticia admonished him. Then, when he didn't stop, more insistently, "Gomez!"

"Huh?" asked Gomez, stopping his kissing and looking as though he had snapped out of a trance.

Lightly caressing her husband's cheek, Morticia said, "Later, darling. Right now, we're having a look at the farm."

Sighing, Gomez said, "Yes, of course, you're right, my dear." Then, smiling at Oliver, said, "Douglas, let's have a look at those crops!" With that, he strode purposefully toward the fields. Oliver, bewildered, opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it. With a resigned shrug, he followed Gomez.

"Vell, Mrs. Addams," said Lisa to Morticia, "right this way."

"Thank you," she responded, "but please, call me Morticia."

"All right...Morticia," said Lisa, taking care to pronounce the name correctly, "I am Lisa."

As the two women walked toward the house, Morticia said, "Your accent is charming, Lisa. Is it Transylvanian?"

"Hungarian," replied Lisa.

"Ah," acknowledged Morticia, with a smile.

"Vould you like some coffee?" asked Lisa.

"Oh, I wouldn't want you to go to any trouble," said Morticia.

"It's no trouble," said Lisa. "It doesn't take long to boil."

"Morticia stopped walking, and asked, "Boiled coffee?"

"Yes," said Lisa, also stopping.

"Sounds delightful," smiled Morticia. "Yes, I would like some."

"All right," said Lisa, returning her smile. The two women continued walking toward the house.

"Beautiful, just beautiful," said Gomez, as he stared delightedly at Oliver's corn crop.

Oliver, looking at the same stunted specimens as he had yesterday, said, "Well, thank you, Mr. Addams, but you see..."

"You must really have a green thumb," said Gomez, turning to face him.

"No, not really," said Oliver, modestly.

"Well, I do," said Gomez. He then showed Oliver his upturned right thumb, which was indeed a lime shade of green.

"Umm...that's very nice," said Oliver, taken aback.

"Cigar?" offered Gomez, producing two from his jacket.

"Oh, thank you," said Oliver, accepting one and tucking it into his his own breast pocket.

Gomez put the other cigar in his mouth and started puffing away. Turning back to the crops, he said, "Now, I can see all the hard work you've put into this place, and I'm willing to pay top dollar for it."

Oliver, who had noticed that Gomez had never lit his cigar, looked on incredulously. "How did you...?" he began.

"Name your price," said Gomez.

Collecting his thoughts again, Oliver said, "Like I've been telling you, Mr. Addams, I'm not interested in selling."

"Nonsense, old man," said Gomez, turning back to him. "Every man has his price."

Oliver started to respond, then noticed smoke coming from his breast pocket. He quickly pulled the cigar out of it, and, shocked to see it burning, threw it to the ground.

"Those don't keep very well," said Gomez, smiling.

"Look, Mr. Addams," exclaimed Oliver, flabbergasted, "I'm telling you, the farm is not for sale!"

Gomez clasped Oliver's shoulder, and said, "Douglas, I'll level with you. I don't really want to buy it."

"Oh?" asked Oliver.

"Not for myself, anyway. It's for my wife," said Gomez.

"I see," said Oliver.

Gomez continued, "Yes, Tish would like us to have a place where we could vacation once in a while, get away from things. We could bring the whole family, I know they'd love it, especially the kids."

"You have children?" asked Oliver.

"Yes, Pugsley and Wednesday," said Gomez, taking out his wallet. Opening it, he pulled out a photograph and handed it to Oliver. Oliver looked at the picture, which showed a smiling, chubby little boy, standing next to an unsmiling, wan little girl. She was looking at her brother, while holding a dagger behind her back.

"Yes, that's very nice," said Oliver, returning the photo with a forced smile.

"Can't you just see them romping out there?" said Gomez, his hand indicating the field." "Just like that great comedy film, 'Children of the Corn'".

"Comedy...?" asked Oliver.

"So, that's the bottom line, Douglas," said Gomez, "I have no interest in farming, but if it's what Morticia wants, then I want to get it for her."

"Well..." said Oliver.

"I'd kill for her," said Gomez, "or I'd die for her." With a strange smile, he added, "A real win-win proposition."

"Mr. Addams..." Oliver began.

"I'm completely devoted to her, and I'd do anything to make her happy," said Gomez. "I'm sure you feel the same way about your wife."

"Well, of course," answered Oliver. Then,he thought back to yesterday, and Lisa apparently longing to go back to New York. He looked back toward the house, and repeated softly, "Of course."

Lisa and Morticia entered the bedroom, completing the tour of the house.

"This is very nice," said Morticia.

"You vould probably vant to redecorate," suggested Lisa.

"Well, perhaps a little," responded Morticia. "Something a bit...darker."

Walking over to the sliding door on the opposite side of the room, Morticia asked, "Is this the closet?"

"Yes," Lisa replied.

Morticia put her hand on the edge of the door and pushed. The door slid along to the end of it's track, then fell to the floor with a loud clatter.

"I'm sorry about that," said Lisa.

"Oh, but it's charming," smiled Morticia. "My, this looks like a deep closet."

Stepping inside, she walked past the clothes hanging on the rod, and found herself outside, standing behind the house. Lisa followed her through, and said, "The Monroe brothers have never gotten around to finishing it."

"A combination closet and back door," beamed Morticia. "How novel."

Lisa shrugged her shoulders, and said, "Vell, anyvay, there's the telephone." She pointed toward the top

of a nearby utility pole.

Morticia peered up at it, and asked, "On top of the pole?"

"I'm afraid so," said Lisa, apologetically.

"Wonderful!" exclaimed Morticia, "Gomez will love it."

"Love what?" asked Gomez. The two women turned to see their husbands walking toward them.

Gomez took Moricia's hand and kissed it, while she said, "Darling, look where the telephone is," as she pointed with her other hand. Looking up at it, Gomez exclaimed, "Marvelous! What an innovation!"

Oliver and Lisa exchanged bewildered looks.

Gomez then asked his wife, "And how did you find the rest of the house, my dear?"

"Oh, it's perfect, Gomez," she replied, "except that it may be a bit small for the whole family."

"That's no problem," he said, "we can always add onto it once we've bought it."

Then, turning to Oliver, he said, "Which reminds me. Douglas, I'm prepared to write you a check this very minute. Name your price."

"Well, Mr. Addams, you see..." Oliver began.

"Oh, do you prefer cash?" asked Gomez. "It'll take a bit longer, but I can get it for you."

"No, no," said Oliver. "It's just that..."

"Mr. Addams," Lisa interjected, "my husband and I need to discuss this. I know you are anxious, but could you give us until tomorrow morning?"

Gomez sighed with disappointment. "Well, I suppose so," he said. Then, to Morticia, "Come, my dear, we'll give these nice people some time alone."

"Yes, Darling," she replied, "we can go back to our hotel room for some time alone ourselves." She smiled at him knowingly. Gomez's smile was almost maniacal, as he exclaimed, "Oh, yes!" He quickly escorted Morticia to their car, and once she was seated, ran around to the driver's door. Just before getting in, he yelled, "If you come to a decision before morning, we'll be at the Shady Rest Hotel!"

He then got in, kissed his wife's hand again, started the car and drove off.

Oliver and Lisa watched the car drive down the road, then turned to look at each other.

"So..." said Oliver.

"So..." said Lisa.

Later that day, Oliver once again stood and watched the sun as it set behind his cornfield. Lisa walked up beside him, and said, "Hello, dere."

Oliver smiled, and said, "Hello, darling."

Lisa shivered, and said, "Ooh, it's getting chilly."

Oliver put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Yes, I think fall is coming early this year."

They watched the sunset in silence for awhile, then Oliver said, "You know, if we accept Mr. Addams's offer, we could move back to New York."

"I know," she said.

"We could get a nice apartment, and enjoy city life again," he said.

"I guess so," she said.

"Restaurants, shopping, entertainment..." he said.

"Yes, that all sounds nice," she said.

Oliver turned to look at Lisa, and asked, "Well, isn't that what you want?"

She turned to him and shrugged, "No, not really," she said.

"You don't miss all of that?" he asked, incredulously.

"Vell, maybe a little," she answered. "But, I'd miss this place a lot more."

"Really?" he asked. "are you sure?"

"Of course I am," she responded, "Vouldn't you miss it, too?"

"Well, yes," he said, "but...I just want to make you happy."

"You have, Darling," she said, as she caressed his cheek.

"But, Lisa," he said, doubtfully. "This house, these fields..."

"Our house, our fields," she responded. "Our home."

Oliver smiled broadly. "Well, then, if you're really sure..." he said.

"I'm sure," she said. "Anyvay, do you remember our vedding vows?"

"Our 'vedding vows'?" he repeated, cocking his head and mimicking her accent.

"Never mind that," she shook her head, "do you remember them?"

"Of course I do," he chuckled.

"Vell," she continued, "they say 'for better or for vorse'. I don't think this place could get much vorse, so it must be going to get better."

Oliver beamed at her. "I love you," he said.

"And I love you, too," she replied.

They kissed, and Oliver said, "Let's go in the house."

"Yes," she responded, "our house."

Just as the sun dipped below the cornfield, they walked arm-in-arm toward their house.

The next morning, Oliver and Lisa were seated at the breakfast table, when they heard the sound of a car horn.

"That must be the Addamses" said Lisa.

"Sounds like it," said Oliver.

They got up from the table and walked through the house. Stepping through the front door onto the porch, they saw the black sedan. Gomez was helping Morticia out of the passenger seat.

"Good morning," said Oliver.

"Morning!" replied Gomez, brightly, as he escorted Morticia to the porch.

When they reached the porch, Gomez said, "Douglas, tell me you're ready to sell."

"Mr. Addams," replied Oliver, "I'm sorry, but we've decided not to sell."

Gomez nodded with a knowing smile. He said, "Negotiating, eh? Shrewd. Well, I'll double my offer."

"Mr. Addams, no," said Oliver. "Mrs. Douglas and I have discussed it, and we're nor selling. At any price."

"Well, I can understand that," said Gomez. "If this were my place, I wouldn't sell it either. I respect your decision."

"Thank you," smiled Oliver.

"I'll triple my offer!" exclaimed Gomez.

"No!" said Oliver, getting exasperated.

"Quadruple it?" asked Gomez, pleadingly.

"Mr. Addams," said Lisa, "Ve just don't vant to sell. Ve love it here too much." She took Oliver's arm and smiled at him. He returned her smile.

Gomez sighed, and said, "Well, that's it then." Extending his hand to Oliver, he asked, "No hard feelings, old man?'

"Not at all," smiled Oliver, shaking hands.

Lisa clasped Morticia's hands in her own, and said, "It vas very nice to meet you, Morticia. Please come back for a visit, and bring your family."

"Thank you, Lisa," said Morticia. "They would enjoy that." Turning to Gomez, she said, "Oh, darling, that reminds me. We'll need to call the children and let them know we won't be purchasing this place."

"You're right, my dear," said Gomez.

Turning back to the Douglases, Morticia said, "I know they'll be disappointed. They would have loved to have heard that their father bought the farm."

"Yes, I'm sure," smiled Oliver.

"Come, my dear," said Gomez. He escorted Morticia back to the car, and handed her in. As he walked over to the driver's side, Oliver called, "Mr. Addams, I do hope you'll be able to find a farm for yourself, somewhere."

"Not to worry," said Gomez, cheerfully. "I've already got a line on another farm, down in Georgia."

"Oh?" asked Oliver.

"Yes," replied Gomez. "The family's name is Duke."

"Well, good luck," said Oliver.

"Thank you," said Gomez. With that, he got in the car and started it. Waving, they drove off. Oliver and Lisa waved, as the car turned onto the road and headed off.

"You know," said Lisa, "they're very nice, but they're kind of strange."

"That's what I thought," said Oliver. "Well, I'd better get to work. And, you must have some things to do in the house."

"Yes," she sighed, "c'est la vie."

Suddenly, Oliver's eyes went wide. "Lisa!" he exclaimed.

"Vat?" she asked.

"That's French!" he said. With that, he took her hand and kissed it, then began kissing his way up her arm.

"Oh, Oliver," she laughed.

Oliver laughed, too. Then they embraced and their lips met in a long kiss, there on the front porch of their home.

The End


End file.
